lilian..

Joe,lend me yr blog just for once.I wanna confess..i'm not okayy=/

Rip my heart out, burn it and cast it away. Tear the pain that I feel out forever, as I sit in this empty shell. Is that all I am? Do these thoughts really belong in this body? To this girl? To this soul?me?

Swim in my emotions and lose your mind, your heart and your soul. Lost without purpose and not wanting to go on. Swim in my pool of sickness, the fluid creeping along everything I touch, blighting everything and nothing. Leaving me alone, where I am.

Let me fade away

I keep thinking. Thinking like I always do, and always wishing. I really can't get these thoughts from my mind. My sorrow, my complaints. I'm so stupid as to keep dreaming, wishing, hoping for such things. These things are not meant for a sixteen year old.
My thoughts flood to Ben. He's always there for me, He always will be, no matter if we're separated and not speaking to each other. I hear his advice echo in my mind, change myself, be outgoing, make friends and smile always.=)

I can't
It's not who I am, how I am. I want to but I'm stuck sitting on the sidelines, wishing and hoping, dreaming and fantasizing, crying and lying. I see relationships peppered all around me, almost taunting me, showing me what I can't have. Some goddess keeping me to herself or not, it hurts, it tears me apart. I want to fall down and cry, scream at the heavens and demand the one I seek.

Why?

I feel sick inside. I've always felt like that since I tried to take my life once before. I figured it was a sign, you didn't slice your arms deep enough, you'll live, you'll go on. We'll drug you up with medication so you can be numb like the others. The others like you. I call myself a thinker but what do I think about?


Pain
Sorrow
Death
Anger
Destruction
Loneliness
Tears
Love

I shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't have such feelings, apparently that's what it's like for me to have such emotions. Am I emo? What? I'm sick of this, I'm sick of reality, of dreams, of past hopes and future hopes, of love that should be love, emotions that I want to be love but aren't. Rescue me, cut me open, destroy me.

Its an overflow now, it's tearing me in two.
Every thought drifts to the surface like a bubbling cauldron, it's overturned, though. The contents spill to every corner of my mind, making me unable to think, unable to dream, unable to wish and unable to hope. But able to cry. More than once today I had tears burn my eyes, have to blink them back because my mind was wandering to pleasant dreams. Before when I felt lost in this world, that I wanted to go to sleep and never wake up, that I would join the blackness that was in my heart.

I'm not filled with darkness anymore. I just feel grey. Plain. Empty.

But here I am. Emotionally unstable. Unable to think of anything else but the loneliness that makes me unable to breath. It'll die down. It'll simmer and set, make me feel like I'm normal again, until I explode once more. I'm not going to slice and dice myself like I did when I was a stupid little kid. I feel like I don't belong, though. Like someone plucked a passing soul in the sea of Heaven and stuck it in a 16 year old's body. But the sickening thought is I've always felt this way. Always felt alone.

I'm really afraid. Getting close to people, getting attached to them, being hurt by them. I once told a guy I didn't care about the consequences. That I'd do anything for him. That I love him. I wished more than anything that that boy would look past my appearance, my darkness that shrouds my soul and see my heart and what I crave. I wished more than anything that he'd hold me in his arms, hold me close and tell me I'd never be without him because he loves me. He loves who I am. He loves my soul. He wants to be one with my soul, my heart, my spirit, whatever you want to call it. I once told a guy that, hoping for that reaction, hoping more than ever for that reaction. He didn't like who I was, maybe. He didn't like how I looked, maybe. He didn't like the colour of my soul, maybe. I told another guy those words. He was a mirror of the first. My heart sunk deeper within my chest, not wanting to come out and reveal itself. It wanted to be cold and alone.

Cassidy says any guy should be dying to have someone like me to care for them, that thinks the way I do, that feels things the way I do. That cheerish things the way I do. I can't see any reality in it. I can't. I try, and trying makes my eyes burn again. I want that guy of my dreams to walk up to me and hug me, hold me close and whisper in my mind that he loves me, that he'll always be with me. That the colours of our souls match.



I think too much. It's always been my downfall. I'll over analyze, I'll start to doubt, and question my own thoughts. Maybe I'm just like a shaken bottle of soda, being shaken too much, the cap ready to burst but the plastic holds it down. What's holding me down? I can't say, really. Hope? Maybe. Dreams?

I tried to open up to Joe. And its my fault things were the way they were. I didn't care about him enough, I didn't love him like I should've. I didn't, and couldn't, hold him every night and tell him that I care for him, that he is my shining star of hope in my life. I "loved" Joe. I told him so everyday. He told me he loved me. Did we? I really don't know. He's a part of me now. He always will be. Am I still growing? I hope so. I measure growth by learning. Not school learning. School is my prison, where I'm sent away and tortured until my eyes bleed from all the tears I've cried. I've always felt this way inside, I can't shake these feelings.

I cling to the ones closest to me. The ones I care about, the ones I love. I wish I could shield myself in white wings, cut myself off from them, be alone like he wants me to be. Maybe then I wouldn't hurt them. Maybe then I wouldn't get hurt by them. That hurt caused by my own feelings. Let me fly away on wings, let me search for my Love in the skies, the heavens above everything. Let me dance with the clouds with the stars like jeweled rings around my fingers. Let me breathe the air of hope into my lungs, and power me onwards towards the future. I don't know why I feel this way. Let my tears litter the skies above and absorb the sorrow from others. Let them not feel the way I do. Why I feel sick inside. Why I feel this hopelessness surrounding me with every action I take. When I'm only a sixteen year old girl. I feel so lost. Like I don't belong in this world.

Tell me to shut up. Tell me to stop feeling this way. Tell me to be normal.

Normal.

Tell me to stop dreaming. Tell me to stop loving. Tell me to not be the person who I am. Tell me not to grow.

Tell my soul to stop breathing.
I'm sixteen and my mind and heart are sick with these thoughts.

There's something wrong with me. (: